November; the month when we remember those who have gone before us, is a great month to remember our own dying as well. Parishes can plan and hold workshops to help people plan for their deaths. Get in a lawyer, a hospice worker, a physician, a nurse, a parishioner who recently lost a loved one. Have a panel where they share their wisdom with the parish. Provide Power of Attorney help.

Build a Columbarium as part of your parish grounds, if you possibly can, so that life and death are the experience of all who come and go in and out of the church.

At Coda Alliance you can order a small set of cards with values and desires printed on them. These cards can be placed in order of importance and moved around as you consider what is important to you as you approach death. They have such wishes printed on them as: "To have my family with me," "To say goodbye to important people in my life," "Not being short of breath," "To have an advocate who knows my values and priorities," "To know how my body will change," etc.

Box, Plot, and Wall Space

Find your own simple casket or box. Make it part of your everyday life. Make a life. Only then can you make a good death.

Buy your burial plt or columbarium space now — as a November ritual.

Visit the funeral home that is likely to handle your funeral. Tell them exactly and in writing what you want and what you do not want.

Do not let them talk your grieving family into slick and fancy coffins as though the amount the family is willing to pay is some measure of their love for you. Take the decision in your own hands. Consider asking for a pine box as might be used for a homeless person. That would be an honest casket.

Check out the internet for "Woodland Burials" or see what other system of funeral arrangements there are in your area.

Consider asking them to eliminate cosmetics, or consider a closed casket.

Consider being buried in an alb — as a sign of your baptismal garment. If it has a hood, the hood could be put down, over the face.

Ask to do without folding chairs, awnings, Astroturf - all those things that take away the reality of the grave. Ask that the coffin be put in the grave before the friends and family leave the site. Allow everyone present to put in at least a spadeful of soil.

Legal Papers

Write up your legal papers, your Will and Power of Attorney. Put them in a glass jar with a tight lid and put them in the back of your refrigerator. Tell the family where

to find them. Refrigerators get cleaned out early - so they will find them there easily.

Funeral Readings

Write up your favorite readings from Hebrew Scriptures, your favorite psalms, epistles, Gospels, and hymns. Which ones would you want for a funeral? Which ones will bring hope and comfort to those who live after you? (See The Rites; Pueblo Publishing Co. for dozens of scriptural suggestions for every eventuality.) Liturgy Training Publications (1 800 933 1800) offers a small "work book" for this purpose called Now and at the Hour of Our Death.

Hospice

Hospice is one of the great gifts of our time! They are always and inevitably on the right page and gently help a dissonant and bewildered family to gather in reverence and proceed with intention.

When Someone You Love Is Dying

Take turns having someone keep that person company so they do not need to be alone or possibly afraid or anxious.

Speak of death and dying gently with that person.

Make sure they have no unfinished business that troubles them. Help them talk it out.

Those who have not been reconciled to the dying person should come and do that. Hospice people are trained to help with this.

Sacraments and Permission to Die

Offer them the sacrament of the sick and Eucharist often. Read to them. Sing to them. Tell them stories. Get stories from them if they are willing and able.

When death is near, give the dying person the grace of your permission to leave. Tell them that you and the family are fine and that they may leave and go to God's house whenever they are ready. (And BE fine, as a family! Cooperate. Love one another. It is a great last gift to that dying person.)

Remember that people who are in a coma may not be able to speak, but they do hear what is going on around them. Make peace with one another and with the dying person. This can help set them free to join God in eternity. Unbind them, like Lazarus, and set them free for a new life.

When the Person Has Died

Close their eyes. Position their bodies at rest. Fill a basin of warm soapy water and wash the beloved person for the last time. This way, you take leave of every part of them in gratitude. Clothe them in their final garments. Do not be in a big hurry to call the funeral home to pick them up. If the soul hovers near, then be with this body and take your time.